Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
