Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
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