The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
