I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
