you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
