She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
