You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
