Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
