the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
