You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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