did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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