you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
