I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
