My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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