Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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