when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
