mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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