plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
