so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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