we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
