just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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