I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
