either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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