I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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