eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
