Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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