it hurts more in the daytime
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
