ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
