I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
