is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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