maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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