i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
