I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
