Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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