real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
