I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
