I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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