my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
