I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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