Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
