Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
