had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
