please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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