are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
