508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
