You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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