i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
