You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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