sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
