that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
